Back in February, I joined an all-women's gym in Somerville, hoping I might finally have found an empowering, feminist fitness environment oriented toward staying healthy and strong without encouraging obsessions about weight loss.
My third week as a member, I came across a flyer in the bathroom for an upcoming class. Here is what it said:
Bridal Bootcamp
Complimentary Group, 2/28 at 10am
Come to this Bootcamp designed to get you and your bridesmaids ready for that wedding! Initial and final assessments will be taken to help you track your achievements. Come relieve some stress, laugh, and enjoy working out with some new brides-to-be!!
I was horrified. Being confronted with the notion that a woman is not "ready" for her wedding day unless she is thin made me want to bash someone over the head with a treadmill. It also gets me that (of course) this would be a featured class at a gym designed for women. You can bet your buns they aren't advertising classes like this aimed at men at Gold's Gym. This "women's gym" was clearly about as feminist in its worldview as "women's magazines" are. Which is to say, NOT.
Rather than wailing in despair at the state of our culture and launching myself out the window, I opted for something more constructive: I forwarded the class listing to my roommate and her boyfriend and we held a contest to see who could come up with the best parody text. Our results (reprinted with permission) are here:
Bridal Bootcamp: Take 2
Have you noticed a nervous look in your fiancé’s eye when he sees you naked? Is your BMI higher than your dress size? Come train with us in relaxing, empowering environment designed to transform you from a disgusting fatass into someone that a man might actually be attracted to!
-Dan
Bridal Bootcamp: Take 3
Come to this bootcamp and shed unsightly wedding pounds in a potent atmosphere of shame and mutual self-disgust!! Act quickly before he changes his mind and tries to pry his ring off your fat finger to give to someone else. You don't want to end up like Great Aunt Gladys of the twelve cats, do you? (Although Gladys was probably a lesbian, and didn't live in a progressive-enough era to be able to indulge in the sapphic love she truly craved, so it's not a fair comparison)
-Christine
Bridal Bootcamp: Take 4
Ever look in the mirror and realize that that ring isn't going to be enough to tie him down if you keep letting yourself go? You're not alone. Most brides realize that they will be a disappointment to their husbands on their wedding night if they get married looking like THAT. No self-esteem? No problem! We can help you change yourself to please the person who supposedly loves you in a fun and stress-free environment, surrounded by other women who feel terrible about themselves! Every girl knows, deep down inside, that love and love handles just don't mix. So give yourself the gift of a whole new, temporary, unsustainable you, and gear up for your big day secure in the knowledge that thin is beautiful, his love is contingent, and you're never good enough the way you are.
-Emily
